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Going Down That Rabbit Hole

Updated: Mar 7, 2023

So, it’s 8:30am on a Wednesday, like the second week of January and I feel this intense connection that just punches me in the stomach, it stayed with me for about an hour that what was enough to take me down this rabbit hole for the next two days. Every now and then, I find myself going down a rabbit hole of self-doubt. I start questioning who I am and feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm a failure. Fortunately, these moments don't last long, but they hit me all at once. I started writing about this about six weeks ago, and at first, I was hesitant to share it because it's not just about me, but about the people around me as well. However, I now understand how important mental health is, and I never truly understood it until I had to deal with it myself. In the past, I used to believe that if you didn't like your job, you should just quit. But now, I know it's not that simple. Even when everything seems to be going well, there can still be a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you feel lost and broken. It doesn't matter what people say; it doesn't change how you feel. These rare moments when I feel down just highlight how hard it must be to live with it on a daily basis.

The feeling of not being disabled enough!

As someone with a chronic condition, I know what it's like to struggle with an invisible disability. I often compare myself to other disabled and able-bodied people, which can lead to imposter syndrome. I feel like I'm not "normal" enough to fit in with able-bodied people, but I don't look disabled enough to fit into the disabled community either. It's like being stuck in limbo, existing between the binary. But despite these feelings, I have come to accept myself for who I am. Even embraces my disability, not hide it away and share more about it. It has made me the person I am today. but do feel Imposter syndrome affects not only my personal life but also my work life. Imposter Syndrome I sometimes feel like my relationships aren't as stable as they actually are. I become fearful of being abandoned, rejected, or fired. In the past, my anxiety has caused me to self-sabotage and leave jobs or relationships before they could end on their own terms. I can't say I fully understand it, but I know it's something I struggle with. However, I do know how others perceive me. I'm often seen as the head of reason, the dependable one, the positive one. I can stay calm and get things done, and I'm known for being genuine and honest. But despite these positive traits, I still feel like a fake sometimes. Even though I know deep down that I'm not, the feelings in my head can be overwhelming. Fortunately, I've learned to recognize these feelings for what they are: temporary and not a true reflection of who I am. I don't hide away from the world anymore, and I'm not afraid to start new friendships or businesses. I'm currently doing both, and while it can be scary at times, I remind myself that I am true and genuine.

On Friendship & Relationships

"People see intimacy is about sex, I see it about truth, when you have someone you can share your pain, past trauma, being open and honest with someone to me is pure intimacy."

When it comes to friendship, I had cut people out my life for over a decade and I'm learning to take more risks and let more people in, and the people who are now around me on are the ones who have kept me true, there ones who remind me who I am, they feel me up in confidence having more faith in me than I sometimes have in myself, and they don’t even know it. I do expect others to be genuine and honest with me, just as I am with them. I can come across as a bit righteous at times, but I believe every friendship needs balance. It's important to see the good and the bad and not hide who we truly are. We are all on different journeys and healing in our different ways. I'm slowly learning that I can't please everyone, but there are always positive and inspirational aspects to take away every friendship. Sometimes you have to let people go even if it’s the last thing you wanted, but it’s what they need, people can have different stories and you have to let them have theirs, specially if it’s going to help on their journey, sometimes being a friend is being a villain.

At the moment I seem to have one song that resonates with me, it seems to fit the way I can feel and them moments of having a forever changing disability. From the Greatest Showman ”his is me”

I am not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say 'Cause we don't want your broken parts I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one'll love you as you are But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me



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