A couple years ago I had two MRI’s this was something new for as when I had all my operations this technology wasn’t available. I know my legs aren’t going to last forever I had felt I had come to terms with that, as my two club feet have out lasted all expectations already!
Why the MRI
So, my surgeons have only really looked at my bones before on flat images that x-rays produce, this time they wanted better, clearer images of those, but also want to have a closer look at my tendons, muscles, nerves and blood vessels, they knew all this would be damaged they just didn’t know how bad. They were doing this to come up with a surgical plan, to find the best starting point.
the MRI it’s self was on of those mobile units, on a back of a truck, I’m greeted by two nice nurses who went through my medical history, talked me through what was just about to happen. Then gave me a injection of a contrast agent what is a dye that makes things standout more for the pictures, then directed to this small changing room to put on a gown, takeout my piercing and placed my items into a locker where I waited to be called.
When it was time I had lay on this bed, keep my arm and hands to the side, I had to put some headphones on, and the bed moved me feet first into this long tube, if you don’t like tight spaces this isn’t for you! And even with headphones on, it is noisy and for the next 30+ minuets you just lay there as still as possible, though it’s not painful I need feel lightheaded and bit queasy for awhile after.
The first-time I saw the surgeon they filled my head full of possibilities, they spoke about fusing bones together, the talked about splitting my tendons again, I have had them split in the past, three times in my left leg, twice in the right. All this got my hopes up. I felt that after years of not moving very much there was hope. Before I had kinda just excepted my fate, thought it was going to be down hill from here. I suppose I had forgot who I was and that I have beaten all the odds before, I hadn’t been in a good place for awhile and had just given up on me, not just in my legs but in most things, I was plodding along, going through the motions, I was still being there for other people, just not for myself! it wasn’t like I was sad, but I couldn’t tell you if I was happy either I was just existing, I felt I had done everything I ever wanted or put my mind to, there was no spark or dream. So, I did get my hopes up when I got told all this. So, I’m not fixable! So, I went back this second time to be told there is to much wrong with me to fix, fusing my bones together would not give me any benefits, I think they said it wouldn’t give me a better standard of living, they could fix one thing but there still would be 99 more problems, to say my heart sunk would be a understatement, I have never enjoyed going to my doctors as I have never liked getting reminded of my limitations, they are always surprised at the fact I can walk, and just tell me how remarkable it’s is. So, what was the plan, they changed all my medications so 6 prescriptions and 33 pills a day, I even have to have a pill so I can carry on taking the others, the idea is to get my body used to opioids, and the dosage will just increase over time. Second step to work with orthotics how I see every six months, where I have custom braces and insoles made. Third thing that they have told me and have told me before is to adapt my life accordingly, what I have never really been good at, as I have spent most of life in a kitchen.
So, I have made changes, but not the ones they would expect.
So I get a call from Darren asking if I could cover his kitchen in May as he had no chefs, and as the pain kills and the braces were doing there job I said yes! Me coming back to help turned into me saying I would do one year, It's been about six months since the new medication and braces, September 2021 and I had decided I want to see more of the world start being healthier at this point weighed 18.5stone. I thought by booking a break would be a great way to start to kick in the new me, or the finding of the old one! So, I booked a trip to Lanzarote with a friend called Kirsty for October, knowing I would be starting along stretch at work for a magical Christmas adventure when I get back. Having the break was great and I came back thinking yes I want to go away more, but being healthier not so much, it’s one thing telling yourself your going to do something and another convincing yourself to do something, I have tried many diets and the some weight comes off and just as quickly more comes on, things didn’t really change for me until January 2022 when I was in Texas visiting my sister. You see looking after the Actors in December inspired me, the way they live their lives, the friendships that were made, the ways they entertained themselves, even the way some of them saw the world. I managed to find inspiration from other people, enough to say right I can do this. Whilst being away one of them also reached out to say hi and see how I was doing and this inspired me even more, something just clicked in my head and everything started to feel possible, easy in fact. From that moment everything changed.
Weight loss and adventure
Over the next few months my weight just seemed to fall off, I didn’t put myself on a diet just eat how someone should eat for the amount of movement I can achieve. In fact I went down to 12.5stone by the summer, and I filled my life with mini adventures and tourist days, that I have given you snippets of in previous posts. I didn’t want to talk to much about the weight loss in case it came back on, as it stands I sit around 13stone and I don’t see it coming back as I am in such a different place. it’s truly amazing how much you can change in just one year.
just the right frame of mind
I am one of those people who believes, my legs have lasted longer than expected, the fact I can walk at all, is the belief I had and now have in myself, if I chose to listen to everyone saying that things couldn’t happen then it probably wouldn’t off. Maybe manifestation, before I knew what that was.
for things to happen in life you really need to believe it can, you need that faith in yourself, being able to see the future you and know it to be true, and that’s the same with most things in life. Manifestations don’t work on their own, you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket first, that’s just a wish! I feel manifestations work the same way, you see it, you feel it, everything tells you it will happen, it will work, it’s self-belief in you and the energy around you, it’s a positive mental belief, and if you believe in you anything is possible, and journey can be amazing one, finding the job you love to do, that pays for the freedoms you want in life, the business you’re putting the foundations to build, so, manifestations is like the first step to the future you already knows exists. It’s not going to make someone fall in love with you or even be your friend, as if it’s meant to be it will be, you just need to reach out.
I don’t believe in being a victim or living in regret, yes some may say I was dealt a bad hand with my legs, but they have also made me who I am, and yes I have made plenty of mistakes but again this this also how we learn, sometimes I do get lost in a moment where I feel I have been hurt, or they just don’t see the value in me as a friend. but I soon see/relies the lesson and find the positives. The positives always out way the negatives in the end. Now imagine two twin brothers who have been brought up by their alcoholic father, now one brother turns out to be just the same as his father, you ask him why? And he says it what he saw, to him what he knows. Now the other brother doesn’t drink, and has a healthy relationship living a different life to what he knows, you ask him why? And he also says, from what he saw! Now which one are you? Life is what we make it, having the strength to write your own story. I know it’s not easy, we are only human and I have bad days that I have been open about mine. All in all I truly believe the good will out way the bad, I will not to hide from my feelings, but to understand them and grow. To believe in myself even when I’m getting told different, to push through the fears I have, and to challenge myself mentally and physically. To carry on being inspired by other peoples life stories and all the little things around me.